The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Mon, 6 May 1996 12:49:25 +0100
Hiya Folks...
Here's a history of the city where I live (I know, most of you know
where we are, but there are new[ish] folk on the list who don't
know)...I do not recommend using any of it in history exams...
Before moving on to the history lesson, please look at the following
message...
IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ...
Some of you will be finishing your academic terms and going home
for the long summer vacation. If this is you, please mail me to
tell me the dates you are going to be away so that I can take
you off the list temporarily. If you do not do this, you will
come back to find that your mailbox has exploded...
If you have an account at home, you are welcome to send the new
address and I will send the mail there temporarily if you
wish...
Some of you are finishing this year and will not be coming
back...good luck to all of you and please don't forget to tell
me the date on which you are leaving so that an infinity's-worth
of Loony mail does not blow up your respective machines...even
worse - it could get bounced back to me...:-)
You are of course welcome to let me know in the future if you
get accounts at home or work (now there's a horrible thought)
and I will put you back on the list....
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
--
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
A BRIEF HISTORY OF CANTERBURY
Canterbury is a mecca for tourists. Early tourists included Caesar J.
and Claudius I. They came, saw and conquered. When they discovered all
the deckchairs were taken, they disappeared back to Rome to change out
of their swimming things. If you travel down to the Thanet where
Claudius landed you will find Richborough Castle. Here you can stand
in a trench dug by an early tourist in AD44. Now there's boredom for
you - no sand-castles, just a trench.
The next set of notable tourists were four knights who came down from
London to see the Cathedral and accidentally (honest guv) managed to
terminally vandalise a prominent local resident, one Becket T. They
claimed that the King had sent them. The King, one Henry II, said
`Whoops, sorry'.
Henry II re-invented tourism to show that he had no hard feelings. He
came down by taxi from London and stopped at Harbledown, about 3 miles
from the Cathedral. He walked barefoot from Harbledown into the city.
As he said that he was Henry II and came from London, people thought
that he had walked all the way.
The news coverage of this simple act promoted the tourist trade for the
City. People would come from far and wide to visit the Cathedral. Shops
in Canterbury proceeded to rip them off by selling them cheap trinkets
that they could attach to their anoraks to prove that they had been
here.
One prominent English Author, Chaucer G, wrote about such goings-on in
an early printed tome. This is a rollicking good read and full of spicy
bits. However, even though this is OLD ENGLISH LITERATURE, it's still
covered by the Obscene Publications Act. As a result, most of the
naughty bits are censored.
A later prominent person was one More T, whose daughter was a local
resident. More T. annoyed the King (a different king at this time) by
starring in a play called `Man for All Seasons'. The King forced More
T. to become a tourist attraction for a short time. The grand finale
to the show was the separation of More T.'s head from the rest of his
anatomy. This was done in London, because the council there had bought
the franchise for messy killings sometime before. To keep score, the
good people of London placed the heads of their victims on spikes in the
Tower. Anyway, More T.'s head didn't stay in London long, it made a
final tourist visit to Canterbury, ending up in St. Dunstan's church.
Where it is to this day.
Tourism continued to thrive until a certain other-other king, Henry
VIII, decided that enough was enough. Basically, for several hundred
years, all these tourists had been taking the gold leaf that was used
to wrap their Kit Kat bars and sticking it on this big box in the
Cathedral. Well, Henry decided that only royal Kit Kats could be wrapped
in gold leaf. The tourist trade in Canterbury was finished. People were
disgusted with the new silver paper around their Kit Kats. Henry nipped
down the M2 one night and took away the big gold box too. He needed it
to keep his ex-wives' jewel collection in.
Loads of time passed and the tourist trade began to pick up. This was
helped by one Stevenson G. who came here as a tourist and also built a
railway from Canterbury to Whitstable that was notable in that it had
the first railway tunnel. Also, the first railway season ticket was sold
there. This early railway was mostly worked by stationary engines that
pulled you up to the top of the hill. The force discovered by one Newton
I, gravity, was used to get you down again. The Canterbury Heritage
museum has a locomotive called Invicta that was supposed to work the
line. It didn't. It was designed as a tourist attraction.
In 1944, the Germans were miffed that they couldn't visit because of all
those Blue Birds Over the White Cliffs of Dover. They sent over a number
of tourists in aeroplanes. They were so busy with their video cameras
taking nice shots of `Canterbury from the Air' that they didn't notice
that Franz had accidentally pressed the bomb release. `Whoops'. Luckily,
they only managed to completely flatten the south end of the City. They
missed the Cathedral.
The demolition of the City was a lucky accident for a bunch of
unemployed architects who proceeded to rebuild in that `English Brutal'
style much beloved in the 50s and 60s. This has been knocked down in the
last five years and replaced with buildings in the modern `Back to
Basics' style. Pick a historical style, any style and build in it.
In 1975(ish), Canterbury was pedestrianised to enable the tourists to
walk about more freely. This was a GOOD THING. The council had planned
to convert the Cathedral into a multi-storey car park so the tourists
could park and visit the shops in the City. Luckily, this plan was
dismissed, largely because the council had invented a Park and Ride
scheme and wanted people to park outside the City walls.
The City was pedestrianised, and all the real shops in Canterbury, the
ones for the locals, promptly moved out of City next to Car Parks. The
City is now filled with knick-knack shops all selling the same seven
knick-knacks, fast-food restaurants selling slow food and Building
Societies. We used to have loads of shoe shops but their owners all
listened to `Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' and went out of
business.
The City is now notable as a meeting place for French schoolkids who
come in search of the elusive eighth knick-knack. They arrive in large
coaches plainly marked `CARS' which must be an attempt to get cheap
parking. Canterbury traffic wardens aren't fooled.
Canterbury is a great place. Come in the first week of February, there
are no tourists then.