Silly signs...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Sun, 19 May 1996 11:37:30 +0100


Hiya folks...

Some daft signs for you...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

ps...Another reminder that those of you who are leaving your email
accounts for the long summer vacation should let me know when you are
going so that I don't blow up your mailboxes...:-)

************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
***                                               ***
***                THE LOONY BIN                  ***
***          loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk         ***
***                                               ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

Outside a jeweller's shop:
       EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT

Outside an electrical store:
       WHY GO ELSEWHERE TO BE CHEATED WHEN YOU CAN COME IN HERE!

Sign in a laundromat:
       AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:  PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
       THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a dress shop window:
       DON'T STAND OUTSIDE AND FAINT - COME IN AND HAVE A FIT

Sign in a London department store:
       BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
       WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
       IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
        
Outside a farm:
       HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
                    20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In the window of a dry cleaner's:
       SAME DAY DRY CLEANING - ALL GARMENTS READY IN 48 HOURS

Road sign:
       TURN RIGHT FOR THE FAIRY GLEN.  BEWARE OF HEAVY LORRIES

At the zoo:
       PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ELEPHANTS.  IF YOU HAVE ANY PEANUTS OR 
       BUNS GIVE THEM TO THE KEEPER ON DUTY.

In an office:
       AFTER TEABREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE 
       DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
       'THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.  ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.'
       (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAUGHT.
        PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a furniture shop:
       OUR MOTTO: WE PROMISE YOU THE LOWEST PRICES AND WORKMANSHIP.

Sign in a German cafe:
       MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:
       WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.  WHY NOT
       BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

In a grocery shop:
       TRY OUR LOCAL BUTTER.  NOBODY CAN TOUCH IT.

In a Chinese restaurant:
       IF YOU ARE SATISFACTORY PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS.  IF YOU ARE NOT
       SATISFACTORY PLEASE TELL THE WAITER

Outside a farm:
       CATTLE PLEASE CLOSE GATE

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of
Wales:
       THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.  IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED 
       AFTER BEING OPENED.  OPEN TOMORROW

Outside a photographer's studio:
       OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Sign on a farm gate:
       DOGS FOUND WORRYING WILL BE SHOT

In a restaurant:
       CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITING STAFF RUDE SHOULD SEE THE MANAGER

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
       SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.  NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a smart shop:
       NO CHILDREN ALOUD

Seen outside a travel agency:
       WHY DON'T YOU GO AWAY?

Notice in a pet shop:
       BIRDS GOING CHEEP!

Outside a disco:
       SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.  EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign in a picture shop:
       LET US PUT YOU IN THE PICTURE AND FRAME YOU

In an electrical shop:
       WHY SMASH YOUR PLATES WASHING UP?  LET ONE OF OUR DISHWASHERS DO 
       IT FOR YOU

Sign at a garden fete:
       BABY SHOW.  ALL ENTRIES TO BE HANDED IN AT THE GATE

In a cafe window:
       WAITRESSES REQUIRED FOR BREAKFAST

Found in a butcher's shop:
       THESE SCALES ARE ACURATE NO TWO WEIGHS ABOUT IT

Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers:
       YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON US

Notice in restaurant:
       OUR CUTLERY IS NOT MEDICINE SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT AFTER MEALS

Seen in an American department store at Christmas:
       VISIT SANTA'S GROTTO.  NO WAITING - WE'RE THE ONLY STORE IN NEW
       YORK WITH THREE SANTAS

Seen at an American undertaker's
       OSCAR'S FUNERAL PARLOUR - WHERE YOU'LL ALWAYS FIND A SMILE

Notice in a London park:
       NO WALKING, SITTING OR PLAYING ON THE GRASS IN THIS PLEASURE PARK

Seen in a Coventry Factory:
       ANY MEMBER OF STAFF WHO NEEDS TO TAKE THE DAY OFF TO GO TO A
       FUNERAL MUST WARN THE FOREMAN ON THE MORNING OF THE MATCH

Sign warning of quicksand:
       QUICKSAND.  ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
       BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
       DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST
       ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR
       BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Sign in a chemist's shop:
       WE DISPENSE WITH ACCURACY

Spotted in a garden centre:
       UP THESE STEPS FOR THE SUNKEN GARDEN

Sign on a newly painted bench:
       WET PAINT.  WATCH IT OR WEAR IT

Seen in a watch shop:
       PLEASE WAIT PATIENTLY TO BE SERVED.  I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS

Notice in the window of a fabric shop:
       REPAIRS AND ALTERATIONS DONE HERE.  DYING ARRANGED

Road sign:
       STEEPLE BUMSTEAD: LEFT 3 MILES
                         RIGHT 3 MILES
                         STRAIGHT AHEAD 3 MILES

Sign outside pet shop:
       NO DOGS ALLOWED

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
       ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE 
       DISPOSED OF

Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:
       HOT AND COLD RUNNING IN ALL ROOMS

Notice in Keighley restaurant:
       FROM MONDAY OUR CATERING ASSISTANTS WILL BE PLEASED TO SERVE
       CUSTOMERS TO THE VEGETABLES

Seen outside a fire station:
       FIRE STATION - NO SMOKING

Notice on Norfolk village shop:
       HALF-DAY CLOSING ALL DAY WEDNESDAY

Sign in London pizza parlour:
       OPEN 24 HOURS - EXCEPT 2 A.M. - 8 A.M.

Seen outside dancing academy:
       PLEASE MIND THE STEPS

Sign on motorway garage:
       PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.  YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE
       WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
       CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
       ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Circus poster:
       BIFFO BROTHERS' CIRCUS, FEATURING MARVO, THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE
       WORLD.  IN TOWN ALL WEAK

Sign outside a church in Hemel Hempstead:
       THE LAST WORLD WAR.  WHERE AND WHEN WILL IT BE FOUGHT?  
       ST. MARGARET'S, HARTFORD STREET ON TUESDAY 22ND FEBRUARY
       AT 7:00 P.M.

Seen during a conference:
       FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
       CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Sign in a tea shop:
       TODAY'S SPECIAL.  POT OF TEA WITH STONES AND JAM.

Spotted in a golf club:
       GOLFERS PLEASE DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE

Seen in a college:
       THIS WEEK'S LECTURE: UNDERWATER LIFE BY PETER FISH

Notice in hairdresser's window:
       STYLIST WANTED.  GOOD PAY AND FRINGE BENEFITS

Notice in a field:
       THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE 
       BULL CHARGES

Sign at the tennis club:
       WOULD SPECTATORS PLEASE BE QUIET BURING MATCHES AND LET THE 
       PLAYERS RAISE A RACQUET

Spotted at the railway station:
       PASSENGERS ARE ASKED NOT TO CROSS THE LINES - IT TAKES AGES FOR 
       US TO UNCROSS THEM AGAIN

Notice at the zoo:
       CHILDREN FOUND STRAYING WILL BE SENT TO THE LION ENCLOSURE

Message on a leaflet:
       IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
       WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
       DOESN'T WORK)

Sign in office block:
       LIFT OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE ELEVATOR

Traffic sign:
       PARKING RESTRICTED TO 60 MINUTES IN ANY HOUR

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
       BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST
       LEFT

Notice in church hall:
       ELECTRICAL SPECIALIST WILL BE HERE ON THURSDAY MORNING TO SHOW
       PARISHIONERS HOW TO WIRE PLUGS AND MAKE SMALL REPIARS.  FOLLOWED
       BY A LIGHT LUNCH

Sign spoted in farmyard:
       MANURE FOR SALE.  BRING YOUR OWN BUCKET

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
       TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Sign in a Japanese hotel:
       SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS

Sign in Swiss hotel:
       DO YOU WISH TO CHANGE IN ZURICH? DO SO AT THE HOTEL BANK!

Sign in Italian hotel:
       DO NOT ADJUST YOR LIGHT HANGER.  IF YOU WISH MORE LIGHT SEE
       MANAGER

Sign in Australian hotel:
       IN CASE OF FIRE PLEASE DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HALL PORTER

Sign in French hotel:
       IN THE EVENT OF FIRE THE VISITOR, AVOIDING PANIC, IS TO WALK DOWN
       THE CORRIDOR TO WARN THE CHAMBERMAID

Sign outside a French cafe:
       PERSONS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO OCCUPY SEATS IN THIS CAFE WITHOUT
       CONSUMING

Sign in Egyptain hotel:
       IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, `ROOM
       SERVICE!'.