The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sun, 23 Jun 1996 10:47:36 +0100
Hiya People...
Here's a simple test to find out if you are a guy...and there are a few
Loonies who certainly need to get this identity thing sorted out...
This one came from Joke of the Day...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
ps. I know we've already seen the first one...
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
This comes from author Dave Barry.
ARE YOU A GUY???
1) Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
decide to:
a. Present it to the President of the United States
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations
c. Take it apart
2) As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
a. Innocence
b. Idealism
c. Cherry bombs
3) When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions
b. When he is the Pope (Not on the lips)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed
4) What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneauver (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in
this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) he
is legally within the basepath, (2) both of you are wearing
protective cups, and (3) you also pound him fraternally with your
fist hard enough to cause fractures
5) Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to......
a. remember the deceased and console his loved ones
b. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life
c. tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer
6) In your opinion, the ideal pet is
a. A cat
b. A dog
c. A dog that eats cats
7) You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers - when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together, What do
you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don't want to rush it
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false
hope
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
and seventeen
8) Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and
the stars in her eyes, you tell her
c. Tell her what?
9) One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10) When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming
names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard
his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy
seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her
11) What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there
c. He refused to ask directions
12) What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy
b. Religion
c. Remote Control
How to score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at leasst 15, because he would get the special five-
point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease AND cancer.