The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sat, 13 Jul 1996 11:35:59 +0100
Hiya Loonies...
Everything you ever really wanted to know about sex...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
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*** THE LOONY BIN ***
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******************Internet Goddess*******************
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------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
SEX AND THE SINGLE AMOEBA: WHAT EVERY TEEN SHOULD KNOW
BY DAVE BARRY
Note: This entire article is devoted to sex and is not meant to be read
by children, except of course those children who sincerely desire to
read a lot of really explicit information about sex.
Later in this article I will explain how to drive virtually any member
of the opposite sex insane with sexual desire using only inexpensive
kitchen implements, but first let me address the question of sex in one-
celled animals.
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. Remember when you
watched amoebas through a microscope in high school biology?
They would writhe around in a sensuous manner until they realized they
were being observed by high school students; then the male would clamber
off the female and ooze away in embarrassment. Of course, your teacher
claimed that you were actually looking at one amoeba splitting into two,
but only the really stupid kids swallowed that absurd explanation.
Another commonly asked sex question is: How do insects find sexual
partners? Attractive insects, such as butterflies, have no problems in
this area. Anybody would want to have sex with a butterfly. But what
about aphids? What about roaches, for God's sake? You'd have to be
really drunk to have sex with a roach. In fact, that is just how
roaches do it. They sit around under the refrigerator and swill cheap
wine until their standards get really low, then they have drunken,
tawdry sex.
The female immediately lays 40 billion eggs which hatch the next day,
but by that time the parents have moved to another area of the kitchen
and changed their names, so the children have nobody to love and care
for them, and they pass the time eating little rolled-up balls of
ketchup and floor dirt, and before long they, too, turn to liquor, and
the cycle of life repeats.
Fish are completely different. Most fish live underwater, which is a
terrible place to have sex because virtually anywhere you lie down there
will be stinging crabs and large quantities of little fish staring at
you with buggy little eyes.
So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around and around
for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the female gets
really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just dumps her eggs
right on the sand and swims away.
Then the male, driven by some timeless, noble instinct for survival,
eats the eggs. So the truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but
there are so many of them that it doesn't make any difference.
The only exception is the shark. Sharks don't care if little fish watch
them have sex, and they are not afraid to lie down on stinging crabs,
because they are very tough. Sharks are as tough as those football fans
who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more
intelligent.
The male shark starts the courting ritual by swimming up to the female
at speeds approaching 45 miles an hour and ripping out huge, jagged
chunks of her flesh. If the female is aroused, she responds by sinking
a small fishing vessel, after which they have loud grunting sex for up
to four days, which is why they always have those glassy stares. The
female shark gives birth after about 652 days, then nurses her baby for
another two weeks, after which she kills it.
Birds are a marvelous example of how clever Mother Nature can be when
she wants to solve a sexual problem. As you know, birds do not have
sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. [In fact, this
was the big breakthrough for the Wright Brothers. They were watching
birds one day, trying to figure out how to get their crude machine to
fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have
to do is remove the sexual organs!" You should have seen their original
design.]
As a result, birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You
almost never see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds
fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone
conversations with their feet. When they find a conversation in which
people are talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are
both highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
This is why birds are abundant in areas where you have a lot of dirty
telephone conversations, such as Los Angeles, whereas birds are so
scarce in Canada that they must be imported in huge flocks every year.
What can we learn about human sexuality from these lower forms of life?
Nothing. Most humans belong to the mammal family, and in mammals the
female is receptive to males only at certain times.
For example, we once owned a German shepherd named Shawna who was
extremely receptive to males in 1978, especially to this really
disgusting diseased neighborhood dog named Snoopy [of course] that used
to come around whining and sniffing and going to the bathroom everywhere
and generally staying just out of range of the 4,000 or so rocks I threw
at him. Shawna was absolutely nuts about Snoopy.
She would watch him out the window, whimpering and just dying to get out
there and be receptive, which is why we got her fixed.
The situation is very much the same with human sexuality, starting in
about junior high school, except, of course, you cannot get human
females fixed, although in most states you can throw rocks at teenaged
males.
But you may rest assured that if your teenaged daughter decides to be
receptive, she will not be receptive to the wealthy teenaged male who
comes around in an Izod shirt carrying flowers and candy; she will be
receptive to the one who has needle marks on his arms and calluses on
his fingers from dialing the Venereal Disease Hot Line.
You cannot keep your children from discovering sex, but you can make it
appear to be boring. The way to do this is to sit them down and discuss
sex in a very frank manner, the way they did in your high school health
class:
"The female sexual organs consist of the pupa, the uvula, the medina,
hyphen, the sui genesis and the tubes; the male organs consist of the
seminole vessel, the vast difference, the pendula and the contrabassoon.
During intercourse, the pendula reaches a state of engorgement and is
placed in the vicinity of the medina, which responds in kind until both
organs have secreted a variety of fluidic substances, at which time
withdrawal becomes possible."
After a few minutes of this kind of talk, your kids will give up on sex
and go back to their computers, and you'll be safe for another week or
two.
This leads us to adult sex. If you want to enjoy adult sex, you should
start by reading the letters to Penthouse magazine because they will
give you many practical suggestions for spicing up your sex life:
"My wife and I were getting less and less interested in sex, so one day
we went out and bought a portable air compressor and 200 pairs of rubber
gloves....."
You can also spice up your sex life using the method involving
inexpensive kitchen implements that I mentioned at the beginning of this
article. Unfortunately, I've run out of space here, so I can't go into
detail. I'll try to cover it in another article, possibly in the food
section.