The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 31 Jul 1996 03:10:45 +0100
Hiya People... Here's the next part... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx ************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************ ******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>******************* *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk *** *** *** ******************Internet Goddess******************* *********************ANDROMEDA*********************** ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- Here is an installment of selections stolen without permission from _Papal Bull_, 'A Humorous Dictionary for Catholics' by Dean Sullivan published by Simon and Schuster: New Testament - Sequel to the Old Testament in which God was in a considerably better mood. novices - Clerics who are still adjusting their habits. nun - 1. A woman who has taken vows of poverty and chastity--hence the name. 2. The butt of the joke ending with this punch line: "That was no laity, that was my sister" Old Testament - A book of scripts for Cecil B. De Mille. Olive branch - A welcome sign of hope for Noah, since he had only stocked enough martini olives for thirty-eight days. ONE (1) A.D. - The year peoples ages started increasing each year. ordinary time - The period on the litergical calendar when the Church readily admits that there isn't much going on. Original Sin - 1. What is cleansed by baptism,. after which we use the new and improved kind. 2. What teenagers are always trying to come up with. pagans - People without religion whose numbers span the globe - never knowing the thrill of a bingo victory or the agony of the feet after the reading of the Passion. palms - Branches you leave behind in the pews on Palm Sunday, only to have the priest burn them and rub the cinders on your forehead the next Ash Wednesday. pantheism - the belief in the miracle of Teflon. papal bull - a letter from the Pope that's infallibull. papal infallibility - 1.The doctrine which states that the only time the Pope is wrong is when he is mistaken. 2. Why the Pope would clean up on Jeopardy. parochial school - Where you learn enough about religion to say Mass and enough about sex to use the right public restroom. patron saint - The guardian you talk to when all the other lines are busy. Pentateuch - the first five books of the Bible---and the only books of the New Testament that Catholics can recall. Pentacost - Fifty days after Easter--by which time you've more than made up for your Lenten sacrifices. permanent deacon - A married man who can do almost anything a priest can, and some things he can't. petitions - The time during the Mass when everyone is praying for world peace but thinking, "Please help me with the lottery" poverty - A vow taken by the clergy that keeps the Church in the black. prayer - Your last resort for obtaining something that you don't have a chance in Hell of getting. Pre-Cana - The required wedding preperation retreat which helps a couple establish a solid base for arguments in the coming years. predestination 1. The rendezvous.spot for you and your friends when you're supposed to be at Mass, 2.The gas station where a Catholic family stops, even though Mom and Dad told everyone to go before they left. pride - Bringing photographs along to confession. procession - The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of the alter boys, the lay ministers, the celebrant, and the late parishioners looking for a seat. Protestant - A person who will probably make it to Heaven, but won't live in as good a neighbourhood. purgatory - 1. A place that Cub fans will bypass completely 2. A place where a snowball still has a chance.