The Loony Bin
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loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
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Tue, 13 Aug 1996 10:31:12 +0100
Hiya All...
Here finally via Alan, engineers are explained...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Engineers Explained: (by Scott Adams, the "Dilbert" guy)
People who work in the fields of science and technology
are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the
nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The
secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to
understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you
everything you need to know. I learned their customs and
mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane
Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the
hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to
be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's
somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an
engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging
crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing
a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating
aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to
anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or
simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to
social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic
things from social interaction:
*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational
objectives for social interactions:
*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed
into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed,
and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a
few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve
problems. If there are no problems handily available, they
will create their own problems. Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke,
don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't
have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without
wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No
engineer can take a shower without wondering if some
sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.
To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized
and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming
the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been
satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking
together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are
swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing
has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and
movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the
starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally
even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous
than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding
from the universe and having sex without the participation
of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will
employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create
a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are
incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are
widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent,
dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house.
While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to
date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense
desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike children
who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later
than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their
mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually
irresistible men in technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent
and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical
death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and
human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep
engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and
other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They
say things that sound like lies but technically are not
because nobody could be expected to believe them.
The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of
cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every
spending situation is simply a problem in optimization,
that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the
greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the
ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete
exclusion of everything else in the environment. This
sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced
dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech
areas have started checking resumes before
processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in
electrical engineering or experience in computer
programming is propped up in the lounge for a few
days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever
they can. This is understandable, given that when an
engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat
it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks
something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands
of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome
plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance
of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good
thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any
activity is technically impossible for reasons that are
far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the
engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's
technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem
is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer
can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved.
No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off
the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal
-- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve
a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when
they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an
ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of
sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the
suggestion that somebody has more technical skill.
Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a
lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code
phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal
people have learned to glance at the engineer with a
look of compassion and pity and say something along
these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how
to solve difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not
stand between the engineer and the problem. The
engineer will set upon the problem like a starved
Chihuahua on a pork chop.