The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sat, 14 Sep 1996 23:19:58 +0100
Hiya All...
Here are some product warnings for you...from Alan,with some
additions...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
*****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***<bloodaxe@geocities.com>*****
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*** THE LOONY BIN ***
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******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
>From The Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry
for its wonderful idiocy:
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun
Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we
discovered that it wasn't made up.
Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat
lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte,
Gaithersburg)
Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home
pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata -- On a cup of McDonald's
coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan,
Laurel)
Honorable Mentions
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer
will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total
of $4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen,
Leesburg)
On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined
that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart
attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the
opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and
wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple
of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
(Jim Gaffney, Manassas)
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
Daniel, Washington)
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
Robin, Gaithersburg)
On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide,
which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan,
Potomac)
On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political
figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are
you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No
meteorological warranties expressed or implied. (Elden Carnahan,
Laurel)
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
(Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an
image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax
the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they
appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).