The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 8 Oct 1996 21:27:03 +0100
Hiya Loonies...
Here's a bit on boyfriends and girlfriends...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>*************
*****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*****<bloodaxe@geocities.com>*****
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ ***
*** ***
*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
9 Types of Boyfriends and Girlfriends
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The 9 Types of Boyfriends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe Sensitive
"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as:
Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages:
Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages:
Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus
"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and
watch TV."
Also known as:
Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages:
Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages:
Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy
"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as:
Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages:
Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages:
Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot
"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as:
Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages:
Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages:
Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones
"Zzzzzz"
Also known as:
Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages:
Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages:
Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak
"Who, me?"
Also known as:
Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages:
May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages:
May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts
"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as:
The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages:
Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages:
Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer
"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as:
Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages:
Tells good stories
Disadvantages:
Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right
"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as:
Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages:
Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages:
Hunted to extinction
-------------------
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ms. Nice Gal
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as:
Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages:
Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages:
May wise up someday
Old Yeller
"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as:
She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages:
Pays attention to you
Disadvantages:
Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as:
Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages:
Predictable
Disadvantages:
Contagious
The Bosser
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change
your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as:
Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages:
Often right
Disadvantages:
Often right.
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and
hair color?"
Also known as:
The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages:
Easily soothed
Disadvantages:
Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control
"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I
done it before. S'fun."
Also known as:
Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages:
More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages:
Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at."
Also known as:
No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg,
Snarly
Advantages:
Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages:
You will have no friends
Woman from Mars
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about
our relationship."
Also known as:
The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages:
Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages:
Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome
genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
weasels now!"
Also known as:
Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages:
Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages:
Will have nothing to do with you