The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 15 Oct 1996 22:52:36 +0100
Hiya Folks...
Here's somthing for those trying to get a bit of exercise...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>*************
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
"The Dieter's Guide To Weight Loss During Sex"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Activity Calories Burned
-----------------------------------------------------------
REMOVING CLOTHES
----------------
With partner's consent...................................12
Without partner's consent...............................187
Unhooking bra
Using two calm hands.....................................7
Using one trembling hand................................96
GETTING INTO BED
----------------
Lifting partner..........................................15
Dragging partner along the floor.........................16
Using skateboard..........................................3
ACHIEVING ERECTION
------------------
For normal, healthy man...............................2 1/4
For normal healthy women................................549
Losing erection.........................................1/4
Searching for it........................................115
PUTTING ON PROPHYLACTIC
-----------------------
With erection..........................................1 1/4
Without erection.........................................300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
-------------------
If the woman who does it is
Experienced...............................................6
Inexperienced............................................73
If a man does it regardless of experience...............680
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room
INSERTION
---------
If woman is ready........................................1/4
If man is not............................................274
METHOD OF THE ACT
-----------------
Tender and loving
Man on top................................................275
Woman on top..............................................400
Man on bottom, eyes on woman..............................535
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
----------------------------------
Italian: man on top, woman in kitchen.....................26
Russian: woman on bottom, man getting permission..........55
American: both on top.....................................60
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
------------------------------------
Bouncing...................................................7
Sliding around.............................................9
Serious skidding..........................................12
Whiplash..................................................27
ORGASM
------
Real......................................................27
Faked....................................................160
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
------------------------
Shoes flew off............................................35
Expression didn't change.................................1/2
Orchestra swelled..........................................6
Birds sang
Large birds...............................................7
Small birds...............................................3
Earth moved...............................................30
PULLING OUT
-----------
After orgasm.............................................1/4
A few moments before orgasm..............................500
PENIS ENVY
----------
For woman.................................................3
For man..................................................72
GUILT
-----
Despite almost no formal training, orgasm comes easily,
naturally and spontaneously.............................53
You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people
are starving.............................................2
Sex on your lunch hour....................................3
And you put it on your expense report....................20
AGGRAVATION
-----------
Partner keeps showing you his/her plants..................5
Partner insists on cuddling dog during foreplay..........14
Partner just visited bathroom for the seventh time.......10
Partner is taking phone calls.............................7
Partner is making phone calls............................40
GETTING CAUGHT
--------------
By partner's spouse......................................60
By your spouse.......................................60 1/2
Trying to explain.......................................165
Trying to remain calm...................................100
Leaping out of bed.......................................25
Getting dressed in one large motion.....................300
Thanking partner quickly..................................2