Losing those Calories...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Sun, 10 May 1998 23:38:26 +0100


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Hiya Loonies...

Ever wanted to lose weight...???...here's a useful calorie
counter for you...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*******************************************************
*******************************************************
***                                                 ***
***                 THE LOONY BIN                   ***
***           loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk          ***
*** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ ***
***                                                 ***
*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

                 ======================
                 THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO
                 WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
                 ======================

-------------------------------------------------------------
ACTIVITY                                      CALORIES BURNED    
-------------------------------------------------------------

REMOVING CLOTHES:                 
With partner's consent.....................................12
Without partner's consent.................................187

UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands........................................7
Using one trembling hand...................................36

GETTING TO BED
Lifting partner............................................15
Dragging partner on floor..................................16
Using skateboard............................................3

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man....................................2.5
Losing erection............................................14
Searching for it..........................................115

PUTTING ON CONDOM:
With erection.............................................1.5
Without erection..........................................300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is
 Experienced................................................6
 Inexperienced.............................................73
If a man does it..........................................680
Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room.

ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian - Man on top,woman in kitchen......................26
Russian - Woman on bottom, Man getting permission..........55
American - Both on top.....................................60

SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE:
Bouncing....................................................7
Sliding around..............................................9
Serious skidding...........................................12
Whiplash...................................................27

ORGASM:
Real.......................................................27
Faked.....................................................160

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off.............................................35
Expression didn't change..................................0.5
Orchestra swelled...........................................6
Birds sang
 Large birds................................................7
 Small birds................................................3
Earth moved................................................30

PULLING OUT:
After orgasm..............................................0.5
A few moments before orgasm...............................500

PENIS ENVY:
For women...................................................3
For men....................................................72

GUILT:
Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily............53
You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that
other people are starving...................................2
Sex on your lunch hour......................................3
Putting it on expense account..............................20

AGGRAVATION:
Partner keeps showing plants................................5
Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay........14
Partner visiting bathroom for 7th time.....................10
Partner taking phone calls..................................7
Partner making phone calls.................................40

GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse........................................60
By your spouse............................................100
Trying to explain..........................................55
Trying to remain calm.....................................100
Leaping out of bed.........................................75
Getting dressed in one motion ............................500
Thanking partner quickly....................................2



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