Sex Jokes (part 2)...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Fri, 15 Jan 1999 13:51:52 +0000


The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

Hiya People...

Here are some more of those particularly dodgy jokes...once again, if
you are easily offended, consider this an advance warning...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

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***                 THE LOONY BIN                   ***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------



A shoe salesman picks up a prostitute and wants to do some business. He
tells the young lady that he only has $25 but would like to give her
some shoes for the remainder of her $50 fee. She agrees and they go up
to her place.
Now this guy thinks he has to prove something. So, he tries like to hell
to give the whore an orgasm. He does his very best to fuck as long as he
can to get her off, and after a while he feels her put an arm behind his
back. Then she puts another arm behind his back. "Wow," he thinks, "I'm
gonna make her come."
Then the woman brings both legs up onto his back. He asks, "Are you
going to come?" 
"No," she says, "I'm trying on these new shoes."

Why is the camel called "the ship of the desert?"
.................. It's full of Arab semen.

WHAT'S YELLOW AND GOES "CHEEP, CHEEP"?       A CHINESE PROSTITUTE!

HOW DO YOU SCREW A 400-POUND WOMAN?     
ROLL HER IN FLOUR AND AIM FOR THE WET SPOT!

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her little basket, getting ready for
her trip to Grandma's. The last thing she put in was her forty-four
Magnum. Off down the path she went and into the forest. Out from behind
a tree jumped the Big Bad Wolf. 
"Okay, Chickie," he said, "I'm going to rape you!" 
Little Red Riding Hood pulled out her forty-four and pointed it at him.
"No you're not, sucker. You're going to eat me just like it says in the
story!!"

A guy walks into a drug store and asks the girl behind the register, "Do
you keep stationery?"
She answers, "Right up until the last minute, and then my toes curl up,
and I turn into an animal."

A FATHER AND HIS 3 SONS ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. HIS FATHER SEES A
WHORE HOUSE, WALKS IN, SLAMS A 1000 BUCKS ON THE TABLE AND SAYS "I WANT
A THOUSAND DOLLAR FUCK !!!". 
SO THE GUY YELLS "HEY HERBIE...BRING OUT THE TWO BLONDS !".
LATER ON, THE 20 YEAR OLD SON PASSES ANOTHER WHORE HOUSE, AND WALKS IN.
HE SLAMS $500 ON THE TABLE AND SAYS "I WANNA $500 FUCK !!!". 
SO THE GUY YELLS "HEY CHARLIE ! BRING OUT THE TWO BRUNETTES" 
LATER ON, THE 18 YEAR OLD GETS THE SAME URGE AND WALKS INTO ANOTHER
WHORE HOUSE. HE SLAPS $50 ON THE TABLE AND SAYS "I WANNA $50 FUCK !". 
SO THE GUY YELLS, "HEY  FREDDIE ! BRING OUT THE BLOND !".
THEN, THE YOUNGEST SON (10), NOT TO BE LEFT OUT, WALKS INTO THE SAME
WHORE HOUSE AS HIS OLDER 18 YEAR OLD BROTHER. HE SLAPS $5 ON THE TABLE
AND SAYS "I WANNA FIVE DOLLAR FUCK !!!". 
THE GUY LOOKS AT THE FIVE AND YELLS..."HEY FREDDIE!!! GREASE THE CAT'S
ASS !!!"

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN STRANDED ON A DESERTED ISLAND, ALL HE HAD WITH HIM
WERE A SHEEP AND A DOG. EVERY TIME HE WOULD FUCK THE SHEEP, THE DOG
WOULD GO CRAZY AND BITE HIM. 
ONE DAY WHILE SITTING ON THE SHORE, HE SEES A RAFT OUT IN THE OCEAN. HE
SWIMS OUT ONLY TO FIND A FAMISHED, "BEEN AT SEA" FOR DAYS, BEAUTIFUL 20
YR OLD WOMAN. HE TAKES HER BACK TO THE ISLAND AND NURSES HER BACK TO
HEALTH.
SHE SAYS TO HIM ONE DAY "I OWE YOU MY LIFE, YOU SAVED ME, I'LL DO
ANYTHING FOR YOU!" 
HE REPLIES "ANYTHING?", 
SHE SAYS "YES, ANYTHING!" 
HE SAYS "HOLD THE DOG!!!!"

A MODEST YOUNG LADY WAS AT HER FIRST APPOINTMENT AT THE GYNAECOLOGIST.
AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT HE SAID, "MY, YOUNG LADY, WHAT A LARGE VAGINA YOU
HAVE! MY, YOUNG LADY, WHAT A LARGE VAGINA YOU HAVE!" 
THE YOUNG LADY, MORTIFIED, SAID, "DOCTOR YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY IT
TWICE!!! 
HIS REPLY, "I DIDN'T!  I DIDN'T!"

Why do Easter Bunnies hide their eggs?
...They don't want people to know they've been FUCKING chickens.

Life's like a penis - when it's soft you can't beat it. And when it's
hard you get fucked.

SEX IS JUST LIKE PIZZA.......WHEN IT'S GOOD, ITS PRETTY GOOD. AND WHEN
ITS BAD.....WELL ITS STILL PRETTY GOOD........

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
... Cowboys don't take off their hats when they eat!

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS GETTING TOO FAT?
...SHE SITS ON YOUR FACE AND YOU CANT HEAR THE STEREO!

I came; I saw; I fucked up

Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.

A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
        And the cube of its weight
        Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
        She said, "It's a sin,
        But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
        Because in their haste
        They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.

There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
        Concave and convex
        It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.

Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).

There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
        She said with a grin,
        "If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"

Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
backyard?
A: If all your bin liners are missing...

There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
        His wife was a bitch,
        And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.

I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
                -- J. Edgar Hoover

Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.

The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.

Q:      How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a
        schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A:      A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
        A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and
                over again until we get it right."
        An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and
                nose, and breath normally."

I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
that has ever happened, and vice versa.
                -- Frank Zappa

A hard man is good to find.

"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
                -- Humphrey Bogart

College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

"A woman is like a dresser...some man always goin' through her drawers."
                --- Blind Lemon Pledge

What can you use used tampons for?  
...Tea bags for vampires.

You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
get back inside.
             --  Heathcote Williams

Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?

This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
actual emergency, you would have known it!

ONE DAY, A MAN WAS NUDE SUNBATHING ON HIS ROOF. HE GOT A BAD SUNBURN ALL
OVER!  
THAT NIGHT, HIS GIRLFRIEND CAME OVER. AND WHILE THEY WERE FUCKING, HIS
DICK STARTED TO HURT. WELL, SINCE MILK IS GOOD FOR SUNBURN, HE POURED A
GLASS AND STUCK HIS DICK IN IT. 
A FEW MINUTES LATER, HIS GIRLFRIEND WALKED OUT, SAW HIM, AND SAID, "I
ALWAYS WONDERED HOW YOU GUYS LOADED THOSE THINGS!"

WHY IS SEMEN WHITE AND PEE YELLOW?
...SO MEN KNOW IF THEY ARE COMING OR GOING.


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