Women and Men...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Thu, 8 Apr 1999 03:23:36 +0100


The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

Hiya People...

Here are some cliches, as they relate to both genders...Some of this may
be a little too British for our overseas friends...And some of it has an
adult theme...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


Women:

Car Parking:

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was
one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.
Caroline Wizz (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th
October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate,
Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8
hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of
her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two
lampposts.

Incorrect Driving:

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 313
miles, from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of
a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into
her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing
from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the
longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator
flashing.

Video Lesbianism:

The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have
sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3
secs, in the 1994 low budget production 'Strap on Sally vol.3'. The
longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle
herself is 5.2 secs in the same film.

Traffic Light Cosmetics:

The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make
up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in
the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano
teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a
tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.

Group Toilet Visit:

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Dept. of Social Security,
Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle
upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994 Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the
toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party.
Moving en mass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting
for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.

Men:

Expletives:

On 9th june 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone
masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury,
Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs without stopping
once or repeating a swear word. He later attemped to better this feat on
BBC TV's Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his
foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins
58secs.

Beer Drinking:

The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5
litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield
downed in various pubs in Knutsford High Street, Cheshire between
12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.

Urinating:

The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins
24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop
in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was
arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record
attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec
before taking him back to the station for a kicking.

Hottest Curry Eaten:

Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the
main they are difficult to substantiate. The hottest verifiable curry
eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by
George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd
December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and
table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.


Biggest Fart:

The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George
Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the
morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr.
Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick
up his car keys, but the resulting flatulent explosion blew his entire
digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his
smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing aparatus
could begin the process of pushing them back up.

Holiday Gymnastics:

The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach
is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on
19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.

Loudest Car Stereo:

The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher
(GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at
some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th
July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off
inside the car. The girls walked off.

Car Customisation:

Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories
fitted to the Mk.II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world's
most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March
1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of
$63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract
girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk
Full Body Styling Kit ($3500), 'Nightrider' style Disco Stop Lights
($199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 ($200), Scorpion Talking Alarm,
($500) and a Chromium-plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension ($285). The car
is currently valued at $50 to $60.

Longest Wheel Spin:

The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress
some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his
Mk.II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green
Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun
for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to
pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls
walked off.


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