The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Mon, 27 Sep 1999 10:28:46 +0100
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
Hiya People...
Here's an apparently true letter which will give you a few ideas for
future dealings with your bank...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
*** ***
*** Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ ***
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
The following is a letter received by a major US bank recently - and
yes, it's for real (allegedly) - it was (again, allegedly) printed by
the New York Times!
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for
eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty. This
incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very own bank.
I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and
proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about t he following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity that your bank
has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh
and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application for Contact Status, which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and
that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of
button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice.
By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an
extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me;
2. To query a missing repayment;
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry;
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension
of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom case I am still sleeping.
Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is
received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is
received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a
later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through
8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
I've chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for!."
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
off by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per A4 page. Inquiries from your nominated
contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty
for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone
service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for
free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to
the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client
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