Little-Known Afflictions...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com )
Tue, 18 Apr 2000 01:19:50 +0100


The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/

Hiya Loonies...

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We all suffer from some sort of disability...here are some you may
recognise...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


*Yield Deficit Disorder (YDD)* 
This affliction, which disproportionately affects women and the elderly,
is serious and can be life threatening. Those with YDD experience
perceptive problems which prevent them from entering a traffic stream
already in motion. Typically, the sufferer moves in the yield lane at
one to two miles per hour hoping for a two *hour* or two *mile* lull in
traffic. When this does not occur, the YDD patient simply closes his or
her eyes and begins moving into traffic with only the protective hand of
God to clear the way.

*Cerebral Phlebitis* 
The primary symptom of this male-only disease is an enormous swelling of
the head. If left unchecked, it can affect brain functions, causing the
sufferer to inaccurately recall past performance in job-related
activities, social situations, and even the size of certain reproductive
body parts. The only known cure for cerebral phlebitis is a risky
procedure known as a "Marriage of Equals." This is an extremely
dangerous, open-heart operation which often fails.

*Bingivitis* 
This inexplicable disease affects only individuals who are directly in
front of me at the Kentucky Fried Chicken buffet, or similar food bars.
It causes them to take the last piece of Original Recipe chicken, the
last scoop of stuffing; basically, to load down their plate like Fred
does at the beginning of the Flintstones when the Bronto Ribs tip over
his car. The bingivits sufferer goes on to find a seat, leaving me with
some soggy, vinegar-soaked greens and jiggling Tahiti Salad to choose
from.

*Cheeriosclerosis*
Also known as "hardening of the cereal," this frightening male condition
results from leaving the cereal or other late night snack out on the
coffee table overnight. In the morning, the crusty remains are harder
than diamonds, impenetrable by soaking or even repeated and vigorous
fork-jamming. Frequently, the only solution is a dangerous "bowl
transplant" which involves trying to replace the bowl with an identical
one without your wife knowing it. Sadly, in most cases the new bowl is
rejected.

*Post-Traumatic Dress Syndrome* 
This debilitating disease strikes women, primarily in the child-bearing
ages. After a choosing an outfit to wear for work or play, the afflicted
woman simply *locks up* in fear and delusional paranoia, muttering about
the unsuitability of the chosen ensemble. During a flare-up, if the
patient's spouse asks "what's the problem?" or speaks at all, this
triggers a massive escalation of the condition which can be life-
threatening to the spouse, and will cause the patient to shout "I HATE
MY CLOTHES!" and lock herself in the room. There is no cure, other than
more and more dresses or an evening's worth of uninterrupted compliments
and reassurance.

Jim Rosenberg
The Daily Monologue


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