Star Wars in Glasgow...

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Wed, 5 Jul 2000 23:28:14 +0100

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Here's something for the British Star Wars fans on the list...

Wishes & Dreams...


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  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

What would happen if Star Wars was set in Glasgow?

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft
tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body
hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and
sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as "Chief" or "Big Yin"
by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address
him as "Wanky-Nobby"

Darth Vader would referred to as "Auld Helmet Heid" or in moments of
stress "That Dome-Heided Bastard"

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the
number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing
or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at
any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front
of a speeding train/thrown from a twenty storey flat

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to
understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would
regularly get beaten up for being a "Greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie".

The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and
extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record "I Love
Scotland" sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would easily be captured by Darth Vader because it's hard
to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny
silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps.
And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a
desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be a) alter its orbit so
it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of
"kafflicks" or b) leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

Now some lines from the film as they would be uttered in the

Han Solo:

"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at
your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get
yersel' a decent shooter"

Darth Vader (trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker)-

"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee bastard!"

Princess Leia-

"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny ken they took short-erses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' shite"

Admiral Motti-

"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae

Obi Wan

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz that?"

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