The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Fri, 6 Oct 2000 03:01:22 +0100
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
Hiya Folks...
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Now here are some things you could learn from Star Wars...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Star Wars Episode 1
Merchandising would be it.
The long term profits from buying Star Wars merchandising have been
consistently stated by collectors, who's "Wookie with bowcaster still in
its original box" is now worth enough to put all their kids through
college, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than
my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your Death Star. Oh, never mind. You will
not understand the power and beauty of your Death Star until its been
blown up, twice.
But trust me, as you tumble down the shaft towards the main reactor
you'll look back and realize that putting a lid on that exhaust port
would have solved this whole problem in the first place.
You are not a Jedi yet, young Skywalker.
Dont worry about the fact that young Anakin and Queen Amidala are
supposed to do-it in the next film. Or worry, but know that worrying is
about as effective as the world and his dog telling Lucas the Jar Jar
sucks.
The real troubles in the next film are likely to be plot and casting
choices that you'd have never made yourself in a drunken fit
Go and see the film once a day until it bores you.
Sing along with the theme tune
Quit moaning about how certain aliens sound like Japanese or Jamaicans
Dont put up with people who can't quit moaning about it.
Do or do not, there is no try.
Don't waste your time betting on Sebulba.
Sometimes Anakin was ahead and sometimes he was behind.
The race was long, but you knew, in the end, he had to win it.
Keep the good bits of the films and edit out the mindless dross.
If you succeed in doing this, please send me a copy.
Keep your old film posters. Throw away your old cinema tickets
Trust in the force.
Dont feel guilty if you don't know when you're going to grow up and get
a
life.
The most interesting people I know were having lightsaber battles with
their friends at 22.
And at age 50, George Lucas owns half of California.
If you're a stormtrooper, get plenty of your mates before trying
ANYTHING!
Learn to speak over 3000 languages yourself and shoot your protocol
droid.
Believe me, you won't miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll finish what you've begun, maybe you wont
Maybe you'll become a Jedi, maybe you wont.
Maybe you'll reach your 800th birthday, but look this good you will not.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself
too harshly.
Your choices are half guided by the force and so are everybody else's.
Enjoy the force. Stretch out with your feelings. Dont be afraid of what
some burnt out old smuggler who can do the Kessle run in under 3 parsecs
might think of you. He's just jealous.
Dance, even if you have nowhere else to do it than at the end of a long
chain in Jabba's palace
Ignore the person who has a bad feeling about this, everybody else does.
Dont ever read the reviews in film magazines. They'll only tell you what
some bitter old has-been film critic thought.
Get to know your family. Or run the risk that the girl you're trying to
score and your arch enemy will turn out to be your sister and your
father.
Be nice to wookies. They're seven feet tall, bad tempered and you never
know when they might rip off your arms and beat you to death with the
wet
bit.
Understand that blockbusters come and go, but with a precious few flics
you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps of credibility and
consistency, because the older you get, the more youre going to think
that everything they release these days is crap
Live on Alderan once, but leave before it gets blown to smithereens
Live on Tatooine once, but leave before you become a moisture farmer.
Drool at the special effects.
Accept certain inalienable truths :
Plots will have inconsistencies
Special effects will take priority over script, and the comic sidekick
will annoy the hell out of you.
And when he does, you will fantasize that when you were young, plots
were always consistent, the scripts were so sharp you could cut yourself
and the comic sidekicks were NEVER as bad as Jar Jar.
Worship Bobba Fett.
Dont expect to beat the rebel alliance.
Maybe you'll have 20 of your best legions on the surface Endor moon.
Maybe you'll have the entire star fleet and a frikin Death Star in orbit
around it.
But you never know when 200 furry muppets and a fleet of space gypsies
are going to blow you all to hell.
Don't mess with Obi-Wan Kenobi, or by the time your 40, youll sound like
someone who breaths with the aid of a dustbuster.
Be careful which films you buy the directors cut of, but be patient with
the directors that supply them. Releasing a directors cut, wide-screen,
remastered edition is a form of rip-off. Dispensing it is a way of
taking the same move, adding in 30 seconds of extra footage and selling
it to the same bunch of spineless zombies that bought the last 5
editions.
But trust me on the merchandising.
by Cathal O' Siochru
(with thanks to Baz Lurman and George Lucas)
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