The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Sun, 12 Jan 03 03:52:34 -0000
Hiya People...
It's that time again - the 2002 Darwin award nominations have finally
arrived...thanks to Len for sending them in...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
******* THE LOONY BIN **** loonies@bloodaxe.com *******
Archive: http://www.theloonies.co.uk/
*********** ANDROMEDA **** Internet Goddess ***********
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
2002 DARWIN AWARDS!!!!!!
These get scarier and scarier every year.
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's
an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it.
And the nominees are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other
end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause
of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was
not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start
CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance
arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the
hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed
that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the
couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the
man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the
hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for
obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge
shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt
to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman
lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of
the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause
of death was "Major trauma".
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the
warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing
was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by
the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never
been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
The latest nominee for this year's Darwin Award (awarded to people for
incredible feats of stupidity) goes to....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the
machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus
wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed
his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a
foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance,
and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open
during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new
$300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was
using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
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