The Loony Bin
Thu, 24 Jun 04 16:53:47 +0100
Hiya Folks... Now we have some advice for all those who think they would like to play the hero and take on the evil overlord - ignore it at your peril... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx ******* THE LOONY BIN **** firstname.lastname@example.org ******* Archive: http://www.theloonies.co.uk/ *********** ANDROMEDA **** Internet Goddess *********** ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- If I Ever Go On A Hopeless Quest Against The EVIL Overlord... Okay, by now we all know the things not to do if we ever become the Evil Overlord. But what about the other side? Those who venture to overthrow the Evil Overlord a/so appear to be in need of some sensible advice... by Walt Freitag I will not enter the Evil Overlord's stronghold disguised as a guard or henchman, unless I "intend" to be discovered and captured at the worst possible time. If I absolutely must disguise myself as one of the Evil Overlord's guards or henchmen, I will not dispose of the real guard or henchman by knocking him unconscious and tying him to a towel rack - I will kill him. When my intrepid party reaches the scenic over-look point where the vast array of the enemy's evil yet fascinating military-industrial facilities is spread out in an awesome tableau below us, we will not all crouch down and stare at it. We'll assume that the enemy's border guards also enjoy the view from that vantage point, and get our buns out of there pronto. Things I'll never say: "Nothing can go wrong now." "What else could possibly go wrong?" "Things couldn't possibly get any worse." "Come on, guys, we're home free!" "Of course it's a trap, hut what choice have we got?" "Scooby, stop sniffing around that peculiar stone idol and help us find a way out of here." I will not trust the closest friend and comrade-in-arms of my heroically deceased father. I will not trust my heroically deceased father. The chances of his being really heroic 'and' really deceased 'and' really my father are remote. Letting the Evil Overlord fall to his death would not make me just as evil as he is. Before embarking on the quest, I will suggest to the Council of Ancient and All-knowing Yet Oddly Powerless Beings that instead of hiking hundreds of leagues on foot into the Dark Land and being airlifted out by the Great Wind Lords, we do it the other way around. As soon as the Evil Overlord's threat becomes apparent I will hunt down and kill the bully who tormented me as a child, before he has a chance to either (a) become the Evil Overlord's trusted lieutenant or (b) gain my trust, join my cause, and then betray me. I will not make wisecracks to my torturers. They're just trying to do their job, and I'm secure enough in my heroism not to have to prove it by withstanding the extra-severe torture they reserve for those who piss them off. If any of my compatriots begins to tell me about his loved ones back home, or his plans for an idyllic future career, I will slap him until he shuts up. This may not save his life, but what kind of hero would I be if I didn't at least try? If the evil minions are attempting to kidnap my girlfriend, I will not send her into hiding with her kindly old grandfather in his remote mountain cabin. I'll send her into hiding in an apartment in Brooklyn. If my dead mentor appears as a glowing apparition and tells me what to do, I won't argue with him. If my sidekick, who I last saw being dragged away by Legions of Terror, rejoins me unexpectedly, seem-ing perfectly unscathed except for a slight halt in his speech and a glassy-eyed look, I will not congratulate him on his lucky escape. I will lie about which direction I intend to proceed, then tell him to stay here and cut off pursuit. After escaping in any vehicle that's been parked in the Evil Overlord's territory for more than ten minutes, I will not proceed to my allies' secret sanctuary until I've changed vehicles, or found and disabled the homing device. After obtaining a glowing jewelled rune-inscribed dagger from an ancient tomb that the ghost of the greatest wizard of the previous age led me to in a vision, I will not wait until all my other weapons have failed, and half my colleagues have been devoured, before trying it out against the fearsome monster's seemingly-invulnerable hide. Shooting the Evil Overlord in the back would not make me just as evil as he is. After I journey across the Desert of Despair, past the River of Blood, and through the Forest of Darkness to seek the counsel of the Ancient Ones, I will occasionally listen to their counsel. Should I succeed in my quest, I will not agree to become High King over any kingdom rude enough to throw me a surprise coronation. Should I succeed in my quest, I will not jeopardize my newly established heroic image. I will not engage in celebratory sex with the heroine without first making sure we are not under surveillance. Also, my comrades and I will not, under any circumstances whatsoever, pose in a row and applaud ourselves. When the Evil Overlord says, "Surely you don't want to be responsible for any more innocent lives?" I will not reluctantly drop the Sword Of Fate to the floor. Instead, I will point out that I'm not the one slowly lowering the adorable elf child into the pit of boiling lava, he is. If he presses the issue, I'll further assert that he was lowering elf children into boiling lava long before I arrived and, should my quest to destroy him fail, would continue doing so long after I'm gone, so I'd rather keep the Sword Of Fate for myself, thank you very much. Comical yet sinister, pathetic yet greedy, cowardly yet cunning individuals will not be permitted to join or assist the quest. Although they always redeem themselves in the end, their acts of redemption are rarely worth the three or four betrayals they require to work themselves up to it, If my girlfriend is in clear imminent danger of becoming the next designated Sacrificial Virgin, I'd at least suggest the obvious solution, even if it gets me slapped. I will consider darkness, mist, dense forest, eerie rock formations, labyrinthine corridors, and subtle signs of stealthy pursuit by unseen foes to be good reason to avoid splitting my questing party up, rather than as golden opportunities to do so. When my sidekick and I back away from each other with weapons drawn, heading in opposite directions around a pillar, we will anticipate the inevitability, of meeting again on the far side of the pillar. If my most powerful weapons operate only when I'm in a particularly confident self-assured frame of mind, then before venturing one step into the Evil Overlord's Domain, I will see a competent psychiatrist to resolve any feelings of guilt, self-doubt, inadequacy, traumatic stress, or other miscellaneous angst I might be afflicted with. If that's not feasible, I will pop Prozac like it was candy. Obtaining vital information by torturing the Evil Overlord's captured henchman would not make me just as evil as he is. I will maintain a realistic idea of the capabilities of each member of my quest. Individuals whose main benefit to the effort is comic relief will not be assigned to guard objects whose loss or theft could mean the end of the world. On the other hand, individuals with tactically invaluable skills, such as the ability to sense the approach of enemies or override the automatic systems of an enemy installation, will not be treated as comic relief no matter how cute they are. When I trick the bumbling henchmen into stealing the box that once contained the Artefact of Power after I've removed the artefact from it, I will not put a cute little note reading "Fooled ya!" inside. This is rude. A kilo of C-4 and a detonator is more appropriate to the occasion. I will never accept a magical power token from a mentor without inquiring, "Does this really do any-thing, or is it just a psychological ploy to get me to release the mysterious power I have within myself. Let's sort this out now, so I won't have to do it sometime when there's only five seconds left to save the day" Unless my name is Jackie Chan, after disabling three attackers, one wielding a pistol, one a machine gun, and one a stick, I will not pick up the stick. Should my strategic brilliance impress the Evil Overlord to the point where he offers to make me his commander-in-chief and heir if I will but join his cause, I will agree immediately. Neither of us may be sincere, but it's easier to get to the self-destruct button from the Command Center than from the Execution Chamber. If I succeed in reaching my girlfriend during a rescue mission deep in the Evil Overlord's stronghold, we will not linger to kiss, sob in relief or quiz one another about how we got there or why we're wearing such strange clothing. We will depart immediately. If the Evil Overlord's beautiful but evil consort or daughter attempts to seduce me in the dungeon or torture chamber, I will not respond by informing her what sort of unpleasant animal I'd rather touch than her. My mission is too important to waste such a valuable tactical opportunity on petty self-indulgence. When I crawl out of my cell through the large air duct that opens into it, I will not make it easy for the guards to figure out how I escaped by carelessly leaving the flimsy cover open behind me. Replacing the cover will delay pursuit, and will also avoid ruining things for future prisoners who may want to escape just: as much as I do. Please include this information if you forward this joke: ******************************************************* This joke and others like it, can be found in: The Loony Bin http://www.theloonies.co.uk/ ******************************************************* To UNSUBSCRIBE or SUBSCRIBE email: email@example.com Subject: 'unsubscribe' or 'subscribe'