Evil Overlord...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.com)
Thu, 24 Jun 04 16:53:47 +0100

Hiya Folks...

Now we have some advice for all those who think they would like to play
the hero and take on the evil overlord - ignore it at your peril...

Wishes & Dreams...


******* THE LOONY BIN **** loonies@bloodaxe.com

         Archive: http://www.theloonies.co.uk/

*********** ANDROMEDA **** Internet Goddess ***********

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

If I Ever Go On A Hopeless Quest Against The EVIL Overlord...

Okay, by now we all know the things not to do if we ever become the Evil
Overlord. But what about the other side? Those who venture to overthrow
the Evil Overlord a/so appear to be in need of some sensible advice...
by Walt Freitag

I will not enter the Evil Overlord's stronghold disguised as a guard or
henchman, unless I "intend" to be discovered and captured at the worst
possible time.

If I absolutely must disguise myself as one of the Evil Overlord's
guards or henchmen, I will not dispose of the real guard or henchman by
knocking him unconscious and tying him to a towel rack - I will kill

When my intrepid party reaches the scenic over-look point where the vast
array of the enemy's evil yet fascinating military-industrial facilities
is spread out in an awesome tableau below us, we will not all crouch
down and stare at it. We'll assume that the enemy's border guards also
enjoy the view from that vantage point, and get our buns out of there

Things I'll never say:

"Nothing can go wrong now."
"What else could possibly go wrong?"
"Things couldn't possibly get any worse."
"Come on, guys, we're home free!"
"Of course it's a trap, hut what choice have we got?"
"Scooby, stop sniffing around that peculiar stone idol and help us find
a way out of here."

I will not trust the closest friend and comrade-in-arms of my heroically
deceased father.

I will not trust my heroically deceased father. The chances of his being
really heroic 'and' really deceased 'and' really my father are remote.

Letting the Evil Overlord fall to his death would not make me just as
evil as he is.

Before embarking on the quest, I will suggest to the Council of Ancient
and All-knowing Yet Oddly Powerless Beings that instead of hiking
hundreds of leagues on foot into the Dark Land and being airlifted out
by the Great Wind Lords, we do it the other way around.

As soon as the Evil Overlord's threat becomes apparent I will hunt down
and kill the bully who tormented me as a child, before he has a chance
to either (a) become the Evil Overlord's trusted lieutenant or (b) gain
my trust, join my cause, and then betray me.

I will not make wisecracks to my torturers. They're just trying to do
their job, and I'm secure enough in my heroism not to have to prove it
by withstanding the extra-severe torture they reserve for those who piss
them off.

If any of my compatriots begins to tell me about his loved ones back
home, or his plans for an idyllic future career, I will slap him until
he shuts up. This may not save his life, but what kind of hero would I
be if I didn't at least try?

If the evil minions are attempting to kidnap my girlfriend, I will not
send her into hiding with her kindly old grandfather in his remote
mountain cabin. I'll send her into hiding in an apartment in Brooklyn.

If my dead mentor appears as a glowing apparition and tells me what to
do, I won't argue with him.

If my sidekick, who I last saw being dragged away by Legions of Terror,
rejoins me unexpectedly, seem-ing perfectly unscathed except for a
slight halt in his speech and a glassy-eyed look, I will not
congratulate him on his lucky escape. I will lie about which direction I
intend to proceed, then tell him to stay here and cut off pursuit.

After escaping in any vehicle that's been parked in the Evil Overlord's
territory for more than ten minutes, I will not proceed to my allies'
secret sanctuary until I've changed vehicles, or found and disabled the
homing device.

After obtaining a glowing jewelled rune-inscribed dagger from an ancient
tomb that the ghost of the greatest wizard of the previous age led me to
in a vision, I will not wait until all my other weapons have failed, and
half my colleagues have been devoured, before trying it out against the
fearsome monster's seemingly-invulnerable hide.

Shooting the Evil Overlord in the back would not make me just as evil as
he is.

After I journey across the Desert of Despair, past the River of Blood,
and through the Forest of Darkness to seek the counsel of the Ancient
Ones, I will occasionally listen to their counsel.

Should I succeed in my quest, I will not agree to become High King over
any kingdom rude enough to throw me a surprise coronation.

Should I succeed in my quest, I will not jeopardize my newly established
heroic image. I will not engage in celebratory sex with the heroine
without first making sure we are not under surveillance. Also, my
comrades and I will not, under any circumstances whatsoever, pose in a
row and applaud ourselves.

When the Evil Overlord says, "Surely you don't want to be responsible
for any more innocent lives?" I will not reluctantly drop the Sword Of
Fate to the floor. Instead, I will point out that I'm not the one slowly
lowering the adorable elf child into the pit of boiling lava, he is. If
he presses the issue, I'll further assert that he was lowering elf
children into boiling lava long before I arrived and, should my quest to
destroy him fail, would continue doing so long after I'm gone, so I'd
rather keep the Sword Of Fate for myself, thank you very much.

Comical yet sinister, pathetic yet greedy, cowardly yet cunning
individuals will not be permitted to join or assist the quest. Although
they always redeem themselves in the end, their acts of redemption are
rarely worth the three or four betrayals they require to work themselves
up to it,

If my girlfriend is in clear imminent danger of becoming the next
designated Sacrificial Virgin, I'd at least suggest the obvious
solution, even if it gets me slapped.

I will consider darkness, mist, dense forest, eerie rock formations,
labyrinthine corridors, and subtle signs of stealthy pursuit by unseen
foes to be good reason to avoid splitting my questing party up, rather
than as golden opportunities to do so.

When my sidekick and I back away from each other with weapons drawn,
heading in opposite directions around a pillar, we will anticipate the
inevitability, of meeting again on the far side of the pillar.

If my most powerful weapons operate only when I'm in a particularly
confident self-assured frame of mind, then before venturing one step
into the Evil Overlord's Domain, I will see a competent psychiatrist to
resolve any feelings of guilt, self-doubt, inadequacy, traumatic stress,
or other miscellaneous angst I might be afflicted with. If that's not
feasible, I will pop Prozac like it was candy.

Obtaining vital information by torturing the Evil Overlord's captured
henchman would not make me just as evil as he is.

I will maintain a realistic idea of the capabilities of each member of
my quest. Individuals whose main benefit to the effort is comic relief
will not be assigned to guard objects whose loss or theft could mean the
end of the world. On the other hand, individuals with tactically
invaluable skills, such as the ability to sense the approach of enemies
or override the automatic systems of an enemy installation, will not be
treated as comic relief no matter how cute they are.

When I trick the bumbling henchmen into stealing the box that once
contained the Artefact of Power after I've removed the artefact from it,
I will not put a cute little note reading "Fooled ya!" inside. This is
rude. A kilo of C-4 and a detonator is more appropriate to the occasion.

I will never accept a magical power token from a mentor without
inquiring, "Does this really do any-thing, or is it just a psychological
ploy to get me to release the mysterious power I have within myself.
Let's sort this out now, so I won't have to do it sometime when there's
only five seconds left to save the day"

Unless my name is Jackie Chan, after disabling three attackers, one
wielding a pistol, one a machine gun, and one a stick, I will not pick
up the stick.

Should my strategic brilliance impress the Evil Overlord to the point
where he offers to make me his commander-in-chief and heir if I will but
join his cause, I will agree immediately. Neither of us may be sincere,
but it's easier to get to the self-destruct button from the Command
Center than from the Execution Chamber.

If I succeed in reaching my girlfriend during a rescue mission deep in
the Evil Overlord's stronghold, we will not linger to kiss, sob in
relief or quiz one another about how we got there or why we're wearing
such strange clothing. We will depart immediately.

If the Evil Overlord's beautiful but evil consort or daughter attempts
to seduce me in the dungeon or torture chamber, I will not respond by
informing her what sort of unpleasant animal I'd rather touch than her.
My mission is too important to waste such a valuable tactical
opportunity on petty self-indulgence.

When I crawl out of my cell through the large air duct that opens into
it, I will not make it easy for the guards to figure out how I escaped
by carelessly leaving the flimsy cover open behind me. Replacing the
cover will delay pursuit, and will also avoid ruining things for future
prisoners who may want to escape just: as much as I do.

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