The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Mon, 20 May 1996 12:00:12 +0100
Hiya People...
Here's a list of more insults...this is edited from a very much longer
list (1,002 of them) sent to me by our good friend Lenny of the
Alchemists...he didn't posted it to them - he posted it to me...is he
waiting for my edited version, I wonder...???...:-)
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
ps...If anyone really wants the full list, feel free to let me know...
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
$HOME = /dev/null.
3K RAM free, no EMS.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few guppies short of an aquarium.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few volts below threshold.
A medical mystery.
A one-bit brain with a parity error.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A square with only three sides.
A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
All lime and salt, no tequila.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
Always speaks her mind, so usually she's speechless.
An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
Answers the door when the phone rings.
Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
As much use as a lead parachute.
As quick as a corpse.
As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
Bandwidth limited.
Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
Batteries not included.
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Born during low tide in / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Broadcasts static.
Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice.
Carrier wave unmodulated.
Communications with him is limited to ping.
Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Cunning as a dodo bird
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.
Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
Fell out of the family tree.
Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences
Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
Goalie for the dart team.
Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio.
He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
Her learning curve is fractal.
Her lint trap is full.
Her memory is truly random-access.
Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part
His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
His data bus stops for red lights.
His IQ is a false positive.
His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
His mind wandered and never came back.
His spark can't jump the gap.
His system administrator is never in.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
Immune from any serious head injury.
IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
Not done evolving yet.
On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
One tree short of a hammock.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Proof God has a sense of humor.
Runs squares around the competition.
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Single-sided, low density.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
Stumped by anything child-proof.
Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks.
Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
Understands English as well as any parrot.
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
When God said, "Come forth for brains," he came fifth.