The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Thu, 6 Jun 1996 08:44:14 +0100
Hiya Loonies...
Here are some toasters for you...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
TOASTER MANUFACTURERS OF THE MODERN WORLD.
If IBM made toasters ... They would want one big toaster where people
bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a
worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters ... Every time you bought a loaf of bread,
you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster,
but you'd have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000
pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your
kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how
light or dark you wanted your toast to be, and would secretly
interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone
would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most
of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything Microsoft toaster
does, but 5 years earlier.
If Fisher-Price made toasters ... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a
hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-
the-box.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters ... It would be a large,
perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be
a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an
unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly
classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode
about it.
If the NSA made toasters ... Your toaster would have a secret trapdoor
that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast
for reasons of national security.
Does Digital (formerly DEC) still make toasters ... They made good
toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ... They would market the Reverse
Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters ... Their "Personal Toasting Device", which would
be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast,
can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If The Franklin Mint made toasters ... Every month you would receive
another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter
toaster.
If Cray made toasters ... They would cost $16 million but would be
faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If Thinking Machines made toasters ... You would be able to toast
64,000,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Timex made toasters ... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal
wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Radio Shack [Tandy Corp] made toasters ... The staff would sell you
a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the
parts to build your own toaster.
If K-Tel sold toasters ... They would not be available in stores, and
you would get a free set of Ginsu knives with each one.
If the University of Waterloo made toasters ... They would immediately
spin-off a company called WatToast.
If the Partie Quebequois made toasters ... They wouldn't want to be on
the same counter-top as the rest of the appliances.