Press release - amazing Windows 4.0...!!!

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Wed, 2 Oct 1996 18:46:08 +0100


Hiya All...

Hmmm...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>*************
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


                PRESS RELEASE - ZIFF DAVIS

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AMAZING WINDOWS 4.0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


We are privileged this month to bring you our long overdue article on
Microsoft's groundbreaking Operating System, the incredible Windows 4.0.

Our exceptional journalistic standards demand that we preface this
article by a restatement of our policy concerning review of non-shipping
products.  While our policy has always been that we would review no
product that is not actually shipping at the time of publication, WE
HAVE CHANGED OUR POLICY FOR THIS ISSUE ONLY.  Our policy for this issue
is that we will review any product that someone tells us might possibly
be developed at any time in the future.  After this issue, our policy
will revert to what it was prior to this issue until  such time that
Microsoft begins to again consider their next edition of software and
begins another high-visibility promotion geared to discourage users from
looking at the competition.

We put the wonderful Windows 4.0 operating system through our grueling
Winbench benchmark program which was magnanimously donated to PC Labs by
Microsoft Corporation.  

Our test bed was the standard platform used by most PC users--a Cray
Supercomputer with 3 Gigabytes of RAM and a $9000 Windows graphics
accelerator card with 512 Megabytes of SRAM. Our testing was made more
difficult by the fact that no actual code was available at the time of
the procedure.  

We did have available, however, a screen shot of the stupendous Windows
4.0 which we put through its paces.  Our staff was speechless over how
pretty the screen shot was.  We also had the benefit of the assistance
of 12 Microsoft employees who provided invaluable input, and also took
us to lunch as well as provide us all with free copies of Microsoft
Office.

The tremendous Windows 4.0 was a dream to install.  We didn't even have
to open the box!  All of our applications were immediately migrated into
the new OS, except the OS/2 applications. They mysteriously disappeared.
We were told that this is a bug in the way that OS/2 apps are written
and that this was IBM's problem.  

The screen shot scored a respectable .000001 Winmarks on our testing
platform.  Microsoft officials assure us that performance of the actual
code promises to be even better.  The only compatibility problem arose
when OS/2 for Windows stubbornly refused to load the screen shot.
Microsoft officials advise us that this was also IBM's problem.

Microsoft officials told us that 4 Megabytes of RAM minimum would be
needed in the release version.  However, they also said that they would
recommend 32 Megabytes for typical usage.  Microsoft officials said, and
we agree, that all serious PC users will have 32 Megabytes of RAM on
their systems by the time Win 4.0 is released.  Windows 4.0 is too
sophisticated an OS for those that refuse to keep up.

We were at first concerned with the reports of the apparent absence of
32-bit code contained in Windows 4.0.  However, the Microsoft officials
soon set us straight.  Due to Microsoft still having the patent pending
for the new technology, MS officials couldn't tell us how it worked, but
told us of a new Microsoft compression technology.  It turns out that
all of the apparent 16-bit code present in Win 4.0 is actually 32-bit
bit code that has been compressed by Microsoft to look like it is only
16 bits.  Microsoft officials say that this is the wave of the future in
32-bit computing.

In order for you to take advantage of the power of Win 4.0, Microsoft
will be  releasing three new products.  These products are Visual COBOL,
Visual Assembler and Visual Machine Language.  

The Microsoft representatives gave us a sneak peek of the Visual Machine
Language product.  Visual Machine Language will contain the famous
Microsoft App Wizard.  At first the App Wizard looked like it was only
generating huge random streams of ones and zeros.  However, one
representative assured us that this was not the case and that MS had
used it to write most of the Windows NT code.

In summary, we can state without any fear of being accused of hyperbole
that the most excellent Windows 4.0 is the greatest technological
breakthrough since the discovery of fire and the invention of the wheel
(neither of which, unfortunately, is patented by Microsoft..... yet).  

The God-like Windows 4.0 ranks right up there with the other
accomplishments of Microsoft, such as the graphical user interface, the
mouse, memory management and on-the-fly disk compression.

It is at this point that we should state PC Magazine's new policy with
regard  to software patents, viz., We feel strongly that any software
patent not held by Microsoft is void and bad for the industry.

There will be a plethora of applications specifically written to take
advantage of the astounding Windows 4.0.  All major software developers
are expected to begin work on products immediately after reading this
article.  Versions of WordPerfect and Lemmings for Win 4.0 should be
shipping by the time you read this.  

If you cannot wait for your copy of the sexy Windows 4.0, we suggest you
immediately go out and buy a copy of the highly innovative MS-DOS 6.2.
Follow that up with several copies of the award winning Windows for
Workgroups 3.11.  If you are still impatient, buy the long awaited
Windows NT, which is available in bulk quantity from your local retailer
at huge discounts.  By that time, if the most esteemed Windows 4.0 is
still not shipping,buy a few more copies of Windows NT.

While we usually don't give awards to products that are not even in
Alpha release, we feel that we have no choice but to award our
prestigious ZIFF-DAVIS Editor's Choice to the awesome Microsoft Windows
4.0.  And even though it is only April, we have also given it our ZIFF-
DAVIS Year-End Technical Excellence Award in ALL categories for the
years 1994 through 1999.  We expect an even better version of Windows in
the year 2000.  So, what are you waiting for?

*Note: All words (except "fire" and "wheel") and all alphanumeric
characters in this article are registered trademarks of Microsoft
Corporation.