Company products...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Tue, 15 Oct 1996 22:52:59 +0100


Hiya Loonies...

Here's an example of what some companies would make if they were not
already selling what they do...

And yes, some mileage has already been made by those who wish to discuss
the fact that DEC and Digital Equipment are both listed, and that VAX
has been given a separate entry...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

*************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>*************
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  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

Originally from the Internet Oracularities Digest #863


What computer & software companies would make if there were no
computers:

Apple:        In the business of selling Beatles and Beatles-related
              merchandise, music, and associated ventures.

AutoPlan:     Drivers' club, offering travel insurance, service, and
              maps.

BudTool:      Floral arrangements, vases, and indoor gardening
              equipment.

Commodore:    Toilets which can't hold nearly as much as they should,
              but have lots of nifty features when they actually work.
              Pretty to watch, but a pain in the butt to use.

Compaq:       Small cars which were quite popular for a while, despite
              the fact that they never worked very well, and you can
              get hurt quite badly when they crash.

Cray:         Lobster traps built to catch more lobsters than you knew
              there were, faster than you thought was possible, but
              extremely expensive.

Dataproducts: Licensed distributors of Star Trek <tm> memorabilia.

DEC:          Summer recreation equipment, and hot-tubs.

Digital
Equipment:    Gloves & lubricant for use in digital exams.

HP:           Bridles, stirrups, saddles, and associated tack.

IBM:          Intentionally Boring Machines.  Big blue boxes which just
              sit on a desktop and do nothing whatsoever, but do it
              very reliably.

Intel:        The new name for MENSA which was tired of hearing PMS
              jokes from morons.

Interleaf:    Singles encounter group for nature lovers.

Internet:     Singles encounter group for butterfly collectors.

Lotus:        Transcendental Meditation equipment (virtual products)

Microsoft:    Laundry products for children, which keep getting promised
              to the market, but which never actually get shipped.

Netscape:     Underwater landscaping contractor.  Started out small,
              then completely crushed their former competition, called
              "mosaic", who used to lay all tile, but are now shut out
              of the market for in-ground swimming pools.

QMS:          Feminine hygiene products for use, er, after "PMS".

Rational Rose:Flower delivery for philosopy majors.

Seagate:      International oceanic shipping.

SGI:          Silicone Graphics Incorporated:  Smut magazine publishers,
              owned by Larry Flint.

SUN:          Septic Union National - labour unit for underground
              workers.

VAX:          Mentholatum ointment to clear the sinuses, now only rarely
              used.

WWW:          World-Wide-Waste.  Waste management corporation, which
              handles the billions of tons of garbage generated by just
              about everybody these days.