The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Wed, 2 Feb 2000 22:08:04 +0000
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
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We've had a few for dog lovers recently, so here's one for all the cat
fans...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Subject: Cat Laws
1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some
outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying
mouse.
2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason
to change direction.
3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat,
all heat flows to the cat.
5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap
just taken.
6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop,
that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant speed, until he gets good and ready
to stop.
9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.
11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in inverse proportion to a human's desire for
her to do something.
12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will
therefore use as little energy as possible.
13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and
take out something good to eat.
15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of
light.
16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot
in any given room.
17 - Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the
earliest possible nanosecond.
18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times
the amount of human laughter.
19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost
of the furniture.
21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of
milk consumed.
23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cats interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of
effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
velocity.
25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
26 - Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she
can't hear a simple command three feet away.
27 - Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each
other, and equidistant from the centre of the room.
28 - Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.
29 - Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
30 - Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap
she occupies.
31 - Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the
probability of where she "might" be.
32 - Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.
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