The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Wed, 1 May 1996 10:57:13 +0100
Hiya Folks... Is this one for the computer people or for our long-suffering chemists...???...I can't quite decide... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA -- ************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************ ******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>******************* *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk *** *** *** ******************Internet Goddess******************* *********************ANDROMEDA*********************** ------- Forwarded message follows ------- -- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analysis -- Element: Computerscientistium Symbol: Cs Discoverer: Disputed. Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer, but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by Charles Babbage. Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see below). Occurrence: Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as extraction techniques are improved by Universities. Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous deposits of money. Cost: The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower. Properties: 1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under pressure. However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium to remain useful. 2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to proceed. 3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium, etc. These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium. 4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around whiteboards. These devices seem to act as a buffer when Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb much of the energy. Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance is held. This will help to keep it stable. 5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks. This behaviour has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should take appropriate precautions just in case. 6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without producing anything. 7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly. It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium (especially the isotope Auditorium) Uses: Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway. However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large quantities of money (eg commercial games writers). However, it seems that Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much.