The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sun, 2 Jun 1996 10:00:01 +0100
Hiya Loonies... If our foreign friends plan to try driving in this country, here's some helpful advice for them... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx ************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************ ******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>******************* *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk *** *** *** ******************Internet Goddess******************* *********************ANDROMEDA*********************** ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- Advice from AA Magazine for Foreign Visitors Driving in Britain ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear visiting motorist, welcome to Britain. Bienvenue en Grande Bretagne. Willkommen in Grossbritannien. Bienvenidos a Inghliterra. Here are some handy hints and tips to make your trip to the UK a safe and happy one. Some Useful Phrases ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Officer, someone has broken the window of my car and stolen my radio." "Will you please replace the broken window of my car and fit a new radio. Here is my Credit Lyonnaise Visa card." "I can't believe it! They've stolen the new radio." "Can you please direct me to the car pound." "I assure you it had wing mirrors when I parked it here." Hand Signals ~~~~~~~~~~~~ The British Highway Code lists four or five hand signals which should be used to communicate intentions to other road users. In reality British drivers regularly use other signals which do not feature in the Highway Code. They have a variety of meanings including (to the driver of the car behind you) "your lights are dazzling me" and (to the driver of the car in front) "I'm not sure if you should have overtaken me just there." Some are more of a question than a statement, and enquire of the other driver: "Are you sure your mother knew your father?" National Identity Plates ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All left-hand-drive cars look the same to the British, so remember to attach a sticker to your bumper denoting your country of origin. If you then inadvertently offend one of the truck-driving fraternity in Britain, they will be able immediately to identify you by your nationality, leaning out of the cab or lorry with a piece of advice tailored to your homeland, such as "Up yours, Fritz", "Pull over, Pavarotti", or "Get a move on you French snail". Windscreen Cleaning ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Britain is full of selfless voluntary workers who gather at traffic lights and congestion spots with buckets and sponges. Their mission is to clean your car windscreen free of charge. Of course, if you choose to make a voluntary donation they will show their gratitude by not holding onto your aerial as you drive off. Bike Messengers ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In spite of the advent of the fax machine, the British have clung to the tradition of transmitting information by motorcycle, or 'biking it around' as it is called. A busy executive will say to his secretary "Will you bike this letter round to the lawyers, please?" and within minutes the letter will be weaving through traffic jams on the back of a motorbike at speeds in excess of 100mph. The lawyer's reply will then come hurtling back in an explosion of steel, leather and rubber. With our kamikaze bikers hell-bent on self-destruction, foreign visitors will find that driving in central London is not unlike straying onto the sets of 'Mad Max' and 'Tora! Tora! Tora!' Road Signs ~~~~~~~~~~ During the Second World War Britain removed all sign posts, to confuse the enemy in the event of an invasion. The process of replacing those signs is well under way and due to be completed early next century. It is advisable to take a map and compass since, in some cases, the enemy would still be confused. Don't blame us! We didn't start it. Clamping Sites ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Many of you will spend at least one day of your holiday at one of Briatin's many clamping sites - clearly indicated by a single or double yellow line painted on one side of the road. For a one-off charge of around GBP 120 you and your family can spend the day at a clamping site. Just find a yellow line and park on it. Within minutes a van with two clamp-site officials will arrive. One will paste a sticky notice across your windscreen to confirm that you are now officially clamped and to welcome you to the site. The other will padlock a yellow metal plate to one of the front wheels to prevent undesirable elements from removing your vehicle from the clamp site. When you want to leave, just unglue the booking form from your windscreen and take it to the nearest 'car pound'. (A 'pound' is an amusing example of the British tendency towards understatement, since no motorist ever enters one without leaving at least a hundred pounds). When the fee has been paid, the booking clerk notifies the clamp-site officials to prepare for your departure. You should then return to your car and await the de-clamping ceremony which will take place within 12 hours, except on a wet Friday night when you might have to wait longer. And then away you go. Happy Clamping! What to Take ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Take a lesson from the British here. When they visit the Continent, they always fit a roof rack to their cars, even if they have nothing to put on it. It provides an excuse to stop every 20 miles or so while pretending to find an answer to the question, "what's that funny whistling noise?" A reflective triangle is also a good thing to have in the boot. On the ferry or Shuttle, you can unpack and pack it several times along with the rest of the contents of your boot, to unsettle the occupants of the car behind who don't have one. What Else Should You Know? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don't forget to drive on the left.