Foreign drivers...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Sun, 2 Jun 1996 10:00:01 +0100


Hiya Loonies...

If our foreign friends plan to try driving in this country, here's some
helpful advice for them...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
***                                               ***
***                THE LOONY BIN                  ***
***          loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk         ***
***                                               ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

Advice from AA Magazine for Foreign Visitors Driving in Britain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear visiting motorist, welcome to Britain.  Bienvenue en Grande
Bretagne.  Willkommen in Grossbritannien.  Bienvenidos a Inghliterra.

Here are some handy hints and tips to make your trip to the UK a safe
and happy one.


Some Useful Phrases
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Officer, someone has broken the window of my car and stolen my radio."

"Will you please replace the broken window of my car and fit a new
radio.  Here is my Credit Lyonnaise Visa card."

"I can't believe it!  They've stolen the new radio."

"Can you please direct me to the car pound."

"I assure you it had wing mirrors when I parked it here."


Hand Signals
~~~~~~~~~~~~

The British Highway Code lists four or five hand signals which should be
used to communicate intentions to other road users.  In reality British
drivers regularly use other signals which do not feature in the Highway
Code.  They have a variety of meanings including (to the driver of the
car behind you) "your lights are dazzling me" and (to the driver of the
car in front) "I'm not sure if you should have overtaken me just there."
Some are more of a question than a statement, and enquire of the other
driver: "Are you sure your mother knew your father?"


National Identity Plates
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All left-hand-drive cars look the same to the British, so remember to
attach a sticker to your bumper denoting your country of origin.  If you
then inadvertently offend one of the truck-driving fraternity in
Britain, they will be able immediately to identify you by your
nationality, leaning out of the cab or lorry with a piece of advice
tailored to your homeland, such as "Up yours, Fritz", "Pull over,
Pavarotti", or "Get a move on you French snail".


Windscreen Cleaning
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Britain is full of selfless voluntary workers who gather at traffic
lights and congestion spots with buckets and sponges.  Their mission is
to clean your car windscreen free of charge.  Of course, if you choose
to make a voluntary donation they will show their gratitude by not
holding onto your aerial as you drive off.


Bike Messengers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In spite of the advent of the fax machine, the British have clung to the
tradition of transmitting information by motorcycle, or 'biking it
around' as it is called.  A busy executive will say to his secretary
"Will you bike this letter round to the lawyers, please?" and within
minutes the letter will be weaving through traffic jams on the back of a
motorbike at speeds in excess of 100mph.  The lawyer's reply will then
come hurtling back in an explosion of steel, leather and rubber.  With
our kamikaze bikers hell-bent on self-destruction, foreign visitors will
find that driving in central London is not unlike straying onto the sets
of 'Mad Max' and 'Tora! Tora! Tora!'


Road Signs
~~~~~~~~~~

During the Second World War Britain removed all sign posts, to confuse
the enemy in the event of an invasion.  The process of replacing those
signs is well under way and due to be completed early next century.  It
is advisable to take a map and compass since, in some cases, the enemy
would still be confused.  Don't blame us!  We didn't start it.


Clamping Sites
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many of you will spend at least one day of your holiday at one of
Briatin's many clamping sites - clearly indicated by a single or double
yellow line painted on one side of the road.  For a one-off charge of
around GBP 120 you and your family can spend the day at a clamping site.
Just find a yellow line and park on it.  Within minutes a van with two
clamp-site officials will arrive.  One will paste a sticky notice across
your windscreen to confirm that you are now officially clamped and to
welcome you to the site.  The other will padlock a yellow metal plate to
one of the front wheels to prevent undesirable elements from removing
your vehicle from the clamp site.

When you want to leave, just unglue the booking form from your
windscreen and take it to the nearest 'car pound'.  (A 'pound' is an
amusing example of the British tendency towards understatement, since no
motorist ever enters one without leaving at least a hundred pounds).
When the fee has been paid, the booking clerk notifies the clamp-site
officials to prepare for your departure.  You should then return to your
car and await the de-clamping ceremony which will take place within 12
hours, except on a wet Friday night when you might have to wait longer.
And then away you go.  Happy Clamping!


What to Take
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Take a lesson from the British here.  When they visit the Continent,
they always fit a roof rack to their cars, even if they have nothing to
put on it.  It provides an excuse to stop every 20 miles or so while
pretending to find an answer to the question, "what's that funny
whistling noise?"  A reflective triangle is also a good thing to have in
the boot.  On the ferry or Shuttle, you can unpack and pack it several
times along with the rest of the contents of your boot, to unsettle the
occupants of the car behind who don't have one.


What Else Should You Know?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't forget to drive on the left.